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my storypt.1 [22 Feb 2015|12:09pm]
"hi i am going to share with you a part of my childhood. i grew up having to go to Jamaica to America because i had two families(long story). my mom got cancer when i was nine and i cried every day just the fact that she couldn't even laugh without it hurting was too much for me already. she was hardly home and it went from the hospital to home back and forth constantly. one day my grandma came home with the heart breaking news that my mom had passed away. at first i thought it was a not so funny joke but i soon realized that it was not a joke

thanks for reading if you
want to here more of my story
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[20 Jun 2011|11:44pm]

[ mood | cranky ]

I miss you so much it physically aches. Hurts so bad it feels like I cant breathe. I fill mydays with so much activity I barely have time to breathe but the nights are so incredibly painful and lonely and they sem to go on forever. I just want so bad to pretend none of this happened and have u come home to me.to be in your arms and celebrate our anniversay but you don`t even care if we spend it together. All you care about is every conversation going your way. You were a jerk, a complete and utter asshole and you gave up on us.You were mercilous and calous and tossed me aside and gave us like n chance of being together. I begged you to talk to me and you were too busy avoiding reality,all responsibility and frankly being a grown up and dealing with reality. You were willing to lose me and our marriage because you were too busy being childish to work to save it. And now you want to work it out if theres any way we canÉAnd you barely even care about that like its no big deal that you get this unbelievably huge chance after you threw it away....And the messed up part is I stilll love you I still want you and unlike you I can`t be such a fucking child that I put my anger ahead of our marriage.Should I even consider taking you back somedayÉI dunno but i hate mysle ffor even thinking it because if there`s anything i know its that you don`t s
deserve it.

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a letter to the person who owns my heart [17 May 2011|01:14am]


 I love you so bad but I can't tell you because you are already with someone.

That knowledge doesn't stop me wanting you with everything I am. I want you so much it hurts. The worst is at night when I'm all alone in the darkness and I know that somewhere out there your with him.

I'm trying to be happy that you are happy. I'm trying so damn hard but it's too much for me to take sometimes.

It's all I can do just to hold my self together when we are working together but I know that if I were to quit and go somewhere else then I would miss you so bad that I would fall apart.

If I wasn't near you I would lose all my will to do anything. If I have to hurt just to feel something, anything then that's how it has to be.

That being said I hope you know that if you ever need something I will do it. If you ever break up with your boyfriend I will be there right away to wipe away the tears. I wouldn't be jumping to catch you on the rebound but I would want to be there for you.

My sister told me that I deserve to love someone who loves me back but the only one I want is you.

I won't do anything stupid or immature like trying to break you up but I just wanted to say this even if you will never read this.

I love you with all my heart and soul.

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Dear Wolfram, how to break it to you? [05 May 2011|03:25pm]

 Dear Wolfram,

You happen to be the fictional character who reintroduced me to the joys of heady fangirling. How could I not love you?! And consequently, how could I not weep when I witness you being metaphorically mutilated in innumerable fanfics? Yes Wolfram, you may or may not have fanfiction in Shin Makoku, but here on Earth, it's a global phenomenon. Ask your fiance Yuuri about it anytime. Just don't subject him to reading the kind of fanfics I'm about to rant about.

Collapse )
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Dear Jury, [01 Apr 2011|11:04pm]

[ mood | content ]

For the sake of the courtroom, I shall maintain a fine dialect and courteous facade. To give in to the stereotypes and snapshot judgments would only hinder my case, thus aiding yours. I am much more than what you play me up to be.

Yes, I am a pretty face. Yes, I am a presentable woman. Yes, I am young.
However, I am not as some would call ignorant or naive; lacking in sophistication and maturity--childish, inexperienced, incompetent, lame, shallow, or dull. I understand your elaborately strung together sentences perfectly well and I do not need anything "dumbed down". Frankly, I find it insulting.
Because of my young age and face, I am branded as a dimwit who isn't responsible or smart enough to think for herself. Should I carry around a sign that says "Please spoon feed me everything! Knowledge, money, work, friends and lovers!"? I would like to think not.
I do very well in school. I do very well at work. I am a good lover and a great friend. I can earn things myself.
And as for the men of the court, please see me as a woman and not a child. Does it really matter how old I am, even if I am above the legal limit? See me as a person and not a number or artificial girl who quotes sappy love songs and Twilight dialogs. I will read you The Divine Comedy and hum 'Moonlight Bay' while sipping Champagne. I have class; please see it when I do not rest my elbows on the table or slouch.
Dear Jury, I beg of you, see me as the woman I am and not what my generation has generalized me to be. I work harder than most and ask for nothing in return except equality and acknowledgement.
Thank you for your time. 
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Dear Assistant [18 Jan 2010|03:07am]

I realize that I'm slow. I have a life.
I realize that I'd asked you to help. But with only ONE band member.
I realize that I'm months behind. Art, school, con, volunteering, friends in person.

He only posts a few times a month.
He's my favorite band member.
I look desperately forward to translating his few and far between entries.

So, please. STOP STEALING THEM. I don't care if you get on a roll. It's my community, it's my project, and I'd asked for your help. NOT FOR YOU TO SLOWLY START TAKING OVER.

I forgave you for taking the vocalist's entries when they coincided with the bassist's. I had absolutely no problem with that and invited you to do it again, provided you gave me a heads up.

I have a problem with this.

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Dear FList member [05 Jan 2010|04:40pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

You hate it because the handful of Pilgrims slaughtered every Native on the continent in the 1600s and created Thanksgiving.
You hate it because Obama banned your cloves.
You hate it because, while women now have the right to vote, they have no one good to vote for.
You hate it because it finds the moon boring and doesn't waste billions more trying to go there to reconfirm that it's boring.
And according to your latest entry, you hate being American and living in America because we have more shopping malls than anyone else (I think that having MORE USABLE REAL ESTATE than most developed countries has a lot to do with that, but that's just me) and do not have 8 of the tallest buildings in the world. Really. What is that entry all about? Stop buying black market cigarettes, save up that money, and move your family to Dubai. I'm sure you'll be happy there.

OH WAIT. You also hate capitalism.

So, move to China. They have a lot of tall buildings there, too. Please. I can't stand constant whining and complaining, and you do it a lot. I think your moving to China will stop this.

Not loving the incessant negativity.


PS: You'd be reading this but I get to see you this weekend. @_@

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Dear sirs. [17 Aug 2009|10:35pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

I know more people than I'd like to admit, that feel that all of mankind is evil. Or they at least like to tout that that's how they feel.

Not that most people are hypocritical, or sinful, or selfish. Not that the majority of people we come across are just self-serving idiots.

But that ALL people, including their loved ones (unless somehow their loved ones aren't humans, too...), are evil, violent, worthless.

Consider that if all people are evil, then, technically, none are, because they're all the same. If we're all the same, there is no concept of good vs. evil. We just are.

Now, most of these people don't believe in a higher power. In other words, there are no eternal consequences for our actions. Just those imposed by the evil mankind.

So, my question to these people: If you truly believe that there isn't a soul on this planet that isn't worth the air he or she is breathing, much less anything else, as your word choice of "we" and "all" suggests, what's stopping you from going on a killing-spree? Why don't you start with those closest to you, since they're right there, and just like the rest of us? We all know you're smart enough to get away with it for a while.

And if what I'm saying is hitting too close to home, maybe consider dropping the hyperbolic soap-box bullshit?

Put another way: Your statement is illogical.

Evilly yours,


Hi, by the way.

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Dear Brat That Lives Next Door, [03 Aug 2009|04:41pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Dear ungreatful little tart that lives next door,

Please stop:
- talking like you're an illiterate preteen, and injecting likes into your sentances like an addict.
-talking back to your mother; you still drive her mercedes afterall
-drawing that hideously thick black line of eyeliner over your entire eyelid; you don't look anymore like Avril Lavigne when you do so
-pretending to be a 'punk' and wear Lilly Pulitzer
-spewing out band names you learned on Rock Band and pretend you know a thing about them
-popping your gum, you look like a cow
-hitting on every one of my guy friends; they will assume you're a dimebag whore
-assuming because I'm Bi i'll hitone you. I don't hit on plastic
-wearing equestrian clothes and pretend you know shit about horses; there is no such class as 'Timed Jumpers' at a USEF rated show DUMBASS...
-bleaching your hair; its Blonde, no need to go blonder
-being more shallow than your empty solo cup; no one thinks your slurred speech or vomiting is 'cute'
-acting fake with me; i'm well aware of what you told your boyfriend about me; I slept with him after he broke up with you because he was sick of your melodrama
-treating me like white trash; just because I don't wear my wealth on my wrist, neck, or fingers doesn't automatically mean I don't have it


Yours Truly,

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[18 Dec 2008|12:16am]

I'd hold a grudge if it didn't hurt me.  But it does, so I can't.
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Dear Chloe, [01 Nov 2008|02:17pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

I miss you so much. So does you father and family. What you did will leave emotional scars on everyone in the family. You know, I'm no longer the fun-loving, care-free, naive little child you knew me as. I'm more mature... more knowing.

When you did what you did, I cried. I was younger, so I did not understand the concept of what you did. But, now I do.

Thanks to you, I'm on the same path you were on when you took that fateful leap into the blackness. I feel myself slipping.

I nearly did what you did twice. Caught myself the first time, before i did it. Second time, it didn't work.

Do you know where your step brother is? Maybe you could have helped...

Do you know that your little half brother does't even know you the way I did...?

Do you know I cry out of nowhere remembering the memories that we shared? That I can't stop this shadow from blacking me out bit by bit which you called out? It's taken a few years for my naive mind to understand what you did...

Maybe it was my fault... I hardly spoke to you the last time I saw you... alive... I should've sent that childish email a day earlier... I should've said how much you had meant to me. But I didn't. Maybe it's all my fault.

It hurts still. I'm sure I'm not the only one who still cries.

But why? You could've waited a week. You loved your dad so much. I remember when you slept over the first time, you were sad because you weren't with your dad. I remember that you wrote "Daddy" so many times in cursive on this kiddie thing. I remember playing with you. I remember reading with you. I remember watching you impersonate that one character in that movie that you, me, Tia Ruthie used to be obsessed with.

You were fun. You were funny. You were caring...

How'd it end this way?

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how could you? [25 May 2008|02:13am]

[ mood | crushed ]

I love you more then anything....

But I hate you for ruining today for me.

You knew how much it meant to me..and you shattered it.

You didn't hurt my feelings, you crushed them.

You made the entire day miserable, and I wish you never would have came.

In two years of loving you, I've never been so disapointed with you...

And it really makes me wonder why you would do this to someone you love so much...


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The Greatest Run for Mayor of Stuttersville [19 May 2008|09:27pm]

(x-posted to journal)



*shakes fist menacingly*

I will murder your face if I test positive for an STD.


And I don't have the car this week. So not only do I need to get a ride to the clinic, but it's going to require a bunch of explanations on who what where when how... Because the only friend of mine who can get me there likes to know these things.

And guess who else is going to know? YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Yeah, I'm down with keeping my mouth shut... but you have crossed the fucking line, man!


"You know, I had a bunch of condoms in my drawer *laughs*"


You are so fucking dead.


With love,
That guy you fucked a week ago (aka ex-friend)
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[26 Jan 2008|05:48pm]

[ mood | pissed off ]

So, let me get this straight.After going to great lengths to be sensitive to things you can't handle hearing (even though you really have no idea what lengths im talking about)and all the trouble to make time to spend time with you, you just say something that killed like that so casually.And this is after re-learning you don't really consider me a close friend anymore.This is secretly what Im afraid of.Im afraid that now that I'm stronger and wont let you get away with shit thats hurtful and not ok with me it will just turn into one big fight when I see you. It shouldn't bother me but for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks.Im not saying you shouldnt do it but for some reason it bugged me and i cant even tell you about it or that it bothered me. This has been hard and confusing for me too, you know.And you don't consider us close anymore?I get there have been issues but for me to just be totally out of the picture like that?It's like you are slowly and systematically erasing me from your life.Maybe thats not it and im just being emotional or whatever but it hurts finding that out.I'm always the bitch, I'm always the bad guy and despite the fact that I have always tried to be considerate to your feelings it seems like you couldn't care less about mine.When i hurt you, even if it is accidently, i feel bad about it, i try to make it upto you, i apologise because i know how much it means just to hear "I'm sorry." It's not just an admission of guilt. It really means I care enough about your feelings to be a little sorry. There were so many times I would have given anything just to hear an "I'm sorry" from you when you hurt me badly.When it felt like a stabbing and it made me break down and cry every single time I had to hear about the person you were with, I dealt with it.You knew you could talk to me and I knew the value of that. I could either be less hurt or I could be your friend and share in your happiness.I chose to be your friend because even if it hurt somtimes I wasn't missing out on your life.And i never told you how hurtful it was going through that pain every week, except once when you said something so insensitive that I just couldn't contain it anymore.And because I told you that you were hurting me, i was too emotional, i'd become "crazy." I got absolutly no help or support from you when it was the other way around and i was the one hurting because you were with someone else.I was completly alone. Now I'm in the happiest relationship I have ever been in.I am with someone who is so utterly perfect for me that she not only gets me and respects my needs but she is so much more. I didn't think it was possible to find someone so wonderful.I am happy for the first time in my life, with the exception of the confusion still there in regards to us. I'm going to share a life with this person, whether or not you like them and you have somehow managed to miss out on all of that.I know I was an ass to you at one point, I know this is hurtful but it was hurtful for me back then too, I never failed to be your friend no matter how hurtful it got.You don't get it do you?You have missed out on the best relationship i have ever been in, you havent been there as a friend, to give advice, to be happy for me.Do you even care about me as a friend anymore?I just feel like we are going round and round in circles in this vicious cycle and i wonder if we can ever really be friends. It seems like all we do is fight, hurt each other and/or misunderstand each other.

I kept thinking given some time you will realise the importance of it and you will change in regards to this. I have given you your space, I have avoided all talk about the best thing in my life because it makes u sad;do you know how hard that has been??I am respecting your needs, I'm trying to give u time but in all fairness it makes me a little mad and it makes me infinatly sad for this friendship.Because this won't work in the longrun.I'm getting married soon, I will have a life with this woman, we will share a home and a family and i dont care what anybody says, once you have a family you have to be close to the whole family or it just doesnt work.I'm not going to go sneak out to meet you, I'm not going to sit there and not talk about my marriage and my kids and what will then be my life.Thats not fair and thats not a friendship.

You have really been there for me in the past and there is a history and as mad as you make me you have become like family to me.I want this friendship to work.I just don't know what to do anymore.

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Dear Childhood [12 Jan 2008|11:28pm]

Something like midterm paper on the topic "My Birthplace". Lost on the teacher's desk.


First you wait them to blossom. Then they do and you joyously try to weave garlands of them. You've seen small fair-haired girls like you wearing them on their heads, run to the horizon and reach the clouds; but you fail, you're definately too young and unexperienced to make a garland, and the flocky flowers become just something that reminds the former fresh yellow plant flesh. If you make little scars on the squishy stem, part and peel it like a banana and put all this into water, the long parts will intertwine and look like curly hair.
This is probably one of the most aesthetic "spa-treatments" for the plants, together with plaiting the half-ripe corn-"hair".
After some time their hair becomes greyish and may flow away, if you blow at them. But think a more awesome way to make them bald-headed. You just tear them up asking your friend 'Milk, coffee or capuccino?'...

Many Aprils in my life have been marked by these activities.
This is spring in my native village.
Blowball. Dandelion.

Not much has changed in my village since my childhood. Yes, many new houses have appeared on the fields where blowballs used to reign, some new roads have been built, a billboard is even to see (advertising the company which sponsored the road restoration, silly as it is), a new church calls the residents to get rid of their sins in its walls...
Probably the few positive things that are of benefit to the public are the renovated bus-stop signed "Center" (finally you don't have to wait for the bus outside when it rains) and a traffic light (after so many accidents have happened because of its absence in the past)...


Blowballs still blossom in my garden. I learned to weave garlands, but still can't make their ends together.
There's no need, actually. All I use dandelion-leaves for is salad, since my mum assures that it purifies human's blood and contains more vitamine C than a lemon does.
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Him [29 Dec 2007|12:34pm]

[ mood | sad ]

 Dear you,
   You hurt me.  You know you hurt me.  And everyone that surrounded us blames me.  You choked me, but you lied.  You cheated on me, but you lied.  You took our child and ran, but you lied.  And everyone blames me.  You told them you walked in on me w/ another man, a lie.  You told them I left our daughter, a lie.  And you make them all hate me, for your lies.  My own daughter wants nothing to do with me, b/c of your lies.  No one even gave me a chance to speak, no one knows that you were kicked out of our home by cops for hurting me.  No one knows that you used to disappear with another wife for 3-4 hours at a time.  "I had to fix her washer", "her pizza guy got robbed on her steps, so she wanted some one to sit with her", etc...  What lies, you lie so much, I just don't know how people don't see it, or they do but choose to ignore it.  I hope it all comes back to hurt you one day.  I wish the worst of all things on you.  People tell me I need to forgive, that I can't go on until I do.  I can't forgive you.  You've made me look like the sick monster, and you won't apologize ever for the pain you put me through.  I don't have to forgive you, I'll die with this hatred deep inside me.  You stole our daughter and turned her against me.  My little girl!!!  My flesh and blood.  My one and only little girl, ever.  If there was a god, then he'd strike you down for being as evil and vile that you are.

The end.

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Dear Dave [24 Jul 2007|12:50am]

it's so fucking obvious that I'm not what you want, really. If I was, why would you spend so much time trolling the tranny groups on yahoo and elsewhere? I don't mind that your perferences go that way, i've never been one to judge somebody by who they choose to love or be attracted to. I do however take great issue with being lied to and misled into believeng that I'm your one and only and you want nobody else. 

Why the BS? Why the deception? Is it because you don't think I could take the truth? Is it because you need to use me as a cover so your family and friends don't find out? I thought we had trust, I guess I was dead wrong. It's really too bad, we could have been great friends if you'd actually been truthful. Now... Well, I'm not friends with people I don't trust, so I guess i'll just be working on a way to give you the news gently. I don't want to hurt you, even though you obviously didn't have the same consideration for me.

I'm sorry it's over. I still love you, but I love me too, and I'm not going to stick around and be lied to.

the fool.
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[17 Jun 2007|12:24am]

[ mood | frustrated ]

Dear You Two,

We are supposed to be a trio. The three of us...the best of friends. And thats how everyone sees us. But I know better, and I think you two know better too. I know you two are closer to each other than you are to me, and I'm ok with that...for the most part. And I think its great that you two can go to each other for anything, and if you feel you can come to me with anything, thats great too. But I feel like you two don't try with me.

For example, the other day I brought up Steve Irwin's death and how hard it must be for his family...something like that. And you guys started making jokes about his death. I said I was trying to be serious, and person one, you said I should have known her better than to think she wouldn't make a joke about it. Well you should have known that I was actually trying to be serious for 3.5 seconds, and that when I literally say, "I'm trying to be serious", I mean it. And person 2 should have not continued laughing. Don't disregard my feelings like that.

Person 1: Don't tell me that everything I say or do is wrong. YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. I know I think I'm right about everything, but you take it to a whole new level. For example, you always correct what my english teacher says is symbolism for catcher in the rye. HE is the one with the teaching degree in english, not you. And I don't care if your teacher said something different about the symbolism, I really don't. Also, just because your family is constantly on medicine/in the medical field does not mean you know everything about medicine. I have family members who are in the medical field too. I could go on forever with times you think you're always right, but I won't.

Oh, by the way...its NOT healthy to be physically addicted to caffeine and excedrin. Its extremely unhealthy, and your so addicted, you probably need medical help.

Person 2: You really hurt me on your birthday. I don't care if the cookies got smashed. You don't throw them away, in front of me, without trying one, and laugh about it. It was really low. Sometimes, I don't even know you at all.

Don't get me wrong, I love you guys a ton. But there is so much I need to say, but I don't know how to say it. Everything I need to say isn't even in this letter. I just feel like I can only be part of myself around you guys. Hopefully you'll be able to see the rest of me soon.


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; [24 May 2007|02:43am]



stay where you are, you are not welcomed back. this is my city and i'm not letting you take it away from me by being a part of it.

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TO H and J [15 May 2007|01:15am]

[ mood | sad ]

Dear H.

I am so sorry to hear about your mother, family is family, and I got your 6. Coasties helping Coasties (and their families). I don't want you to think anything other than that...I wish I could have sent something besides 10 dollars, but thats all I can afford right now. You know, my Dad died in 2002 from an incurable disease, Knowing how incredible J is, you are one lucky gal. His nature makes rainbows come out after storms.

J. stay strong. Its tough watching someone you love hurting. Lets all hope she goes into remission. I wish there was something I could do to help you too, and I guess the best thing would be to just leave you two alone. I miss you sooooo much. Its tough, but god works in mysterious ways, I guess.

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